The Coming of Age

I'm getting old. It's ok, I really don't mind. It's not the "real" me that's getting old. It's just the physical me. How do I know? Well, when I was traveling, someone asked me how long I would be on the road. I said "5 weeks". They asked, "are you retired?" I said, "no, I got plenty of sleep last night." So you see what I mean?

To any young people reading this, let me enlighten you on what you have to look forward to. First, when you start looking old, people start treating you as if you were old. They stop understanding that you feel the same things they feel. You may broaden your perspective, but you don't change who you are or what you believe. The only thing that really changes is that you start to realize that it is the people around you, those that you love and care about, that are important. Not the constant scurrying around to make money and earn some kind of status in the world. Everyone comes to the same place with age. It is in compassion and understanding that you grow as a human. It is how you treat and react to others that is what you begin to measure yourself by, and it is in kindness, above all things, that you earn the right to live.

Oh...and your memory goes to hell in a handbasket.

Conversations with God

Paul: God, I'm unhappy with my death.
God: You were always complaining about your life too.
Paul: Yeah..but I figured it would make sense at the end.
God: What's the difference, it's over...you're dead.
Paul: I know but I had a whole different idea about going out. I wanted it to be..
God: Meaningful?
Paul: Yeah! Meaningful. Like died saving someone from a burning house.
God: So you wanted me to start a house on fire so you could have a meaningful death?
Paul: Come on, you're God. You act like it's some big deal.
God: You're problem is you have no sense of humor.
Paul: I did in life.
God: Good point. If you were alive and you heard about someone dying the way you did, you would have laughed your ass off.
Paul: I don't see anything remotely funny in suffocation.
God: Then why did you get into that empty refridgerator?
Paul: I was hiding...look I don't want to argue about that now.
God: I guess I should tell you now...
Paul: What?
God: I'm not in charge of death.
Paul: Well then who is?
God: You.
Paul: What do you mean?
God: Look, if you do stupid things like hide in a refridgerator, then you risk a silly death. If you wanted to die saving people from burning buildings, you should have been a firefighter.
Paul: Are you kidding....wearing all that gear in the heat?
God: There you go.
Paul: Well lots of people do stupid things. I saw on the medical channel where a got shot a nail gun into his head. He got it taken out, and he's fine now.
God: Actually he can't see the color red.
Paul: You're missing the point...
God: Look, you don't die of every stupid thing you do, but sometimes...you can.
Paul: Well, there's no point in arguing with you now, but for the record, if I was going to die of something stupid, I would have prefered to get hit by lightning that day I finished my round of golf in a thunderstorm.
God: Believe me, I was tempted. But someone was counting on you that week.
Paul: For what?
God: Dude, I have millions of people to track...I don't know. Maybe you had to move furniture.
Paul: Ok, ok forget it....one question.
God: Sigh...what?
Paul: Did that guy who was looking for me ever find me?
God: Who do you think tied the rope around the fridge?
Paul: I thought it was just stuck. Jesus...
God: He's down the hall. Gotta go.

Two ideas that have nothing to do with each other

It occurs to me that Motel 6 should start a line of funeral homes. You know, just little ones off the freeway. They could call it Deep 6, and instead of that little slogan they have for the hotels..(we'll leave the light on for ya) they could use "we'll shut off the lights for ya". And instead of flowers and finely manicured lawns, I think it should just look like Disneys Haunted Mansion.
Ahh... a new slogan... "There is another way out...Deep 6"

I saw a guy walking down the street the other day with his shirt off. He had a decent physique, a good tan and his chest was covered with colorful tatoos. I decided that I don't think anyone should walk around without their shirt on, and here's why. If they look good, you're thinking "oh..he's trying to show off". This may also make you feel bad about yourself. Now, if the guy is fat and looks really bad, the benefit of feeling better about yourself, is not good enough to cover the repulsion of looking at him. So guys...keep your shirt on. And ladies, if the guys can't do it, then...hmm, wait a minute. I may not have quite thought this through.

Tobey

I know it's been a long time between postings up here. Life has been hectic of late but I am planning something for this space that might be interesting. In the month of September I am going to be taking a long road trip. I'm bringing a travel journal and as I meet people from all around the country, I'm going to have them write something, anything they want, on a page of the journal. Hopefully when I get back I will have some interesting things to post besides just my own tired opinions and musings. I will not edit these entrys, so if someone writes "bubba says hi", then that's what you get.
On a totally different subject, a friend of mine went to Hawaii and he brought me back an electric lighter with dolfins on it. When you light it, there are these dolfin sounds. This thing has totally freaked out my dog. Silly things freak out my dog. People he has never seen before will come into the house and he's all ...."pet me...pet me" but if there is a squirrel in the yard he acts like the house is burning down. My dog eats flying bugs out of mid air. He will fetch anything you throw, bring it back and then will not let go of it for you to throw it again. It is fun for him if you try to pull it from his locked jaws. He is smart and has the potential to do some really cool tricks, but he is willful and untrainable. We've had him 5 years and he can sit on command, but he can not figure out "lie down". Personally I believe it is too subservient for him.
The other day the meter reader was walking in the backyard. My dog went up with his tail wagging to get a free "pet" and the meter reader held out this big stick with a tennis ball on it saying "STAY....BACK." My dog didn't get it and started crying. I had to explain to him that in this day and age, it is not so easy for people to trust others. I then suggested that if perhaps he was willing to "lie down" on command, then he could get petted. He snapped is mighty jaws, and another fly met his maker.

Independance Day

Recently our government has ruled that marijuanna for medicinal purposes is still illegal. California state law allows this kind of use, but regardless, the feds can bust you even if your treatment is prescribed by a physician.
Though the vast majority of Americans are against the war in Iraq, it happened anyway. This is just one of a number of events that were justified by our government because of the threat of terrorism. Among other is the advent of the constitutionally dubious "Patriot Act". Among other things, this law can actually drag you out of your home if you are suspected of an possible terrorist connection and you may be detained indefinately even without any proof.
We have laws for everything now. It's still illegal for you to commit suicide, but mind you, that law was written long before most of us would even consider that we would have to live through 2 terms of George W. Bush.
It's illegal to drive without your seat belt. This does away with what I believe is your God given right (even if misguided) to be thrown clear of your vehicle should you have an accident. Oh...you also must carry insurance. This tactic has been popular with most organized crime families for years. Glad our government got on board with this one.
Still, you are free to get married if you want to. Well...providing you are marrying someone of the opposite sex.
We still have free elections though, but if it's close, you just better hope that your opponents brother isn't governor of the swing state.
In America, if you have enough money, you can start your own radio program. Of course the FCC will make sure that you don't say anything offensive. We just can't trust our people here to change the radio station, so we just make sure that what goes out on air doesn't cross the milk toast boundry.
But hey, I'm nit picking now. I mean isn't that just the price you pay for living in a "free" society? It's july 4th! So get out there and light up some fireworks! Well...the saftey first fireworks. Most of the fireworks we used to have are now banned.
What exactly are we independant of?...Oh yeah...the brits.

The Fundamental Truth

I found a page on the internet that had 4300 Fundamentalist Christian religions. These are just the Christian ones. Imagine how many "actual" fundamentalist religions there are around the world.
So what? Well think about it. The one thing fundamentalists all have in common is that they believe that their way is the only correct way. If there are 10 thousand fundamentalist religions in the world then at least 9 thousand and 99 of them are wrong. Statistically, those are pretty bad odds if you are in one. It is most likely that they are all wrong anyway, so I ask you. Why do fundamentalists insist so stringently?
The truth is I hate all forms of fundamentalism. They are like people who can't see the forest through the trees. If you were to ask a fundamentalist to walk a mile in your shoes, he would likely respond by asking you what size you wore. They just can only see the literal. 4300 of them are reading scriptures that they don't really understand. Jesus spoke in parables. Those are little stories with big meanings, but they can not see those meanings.
It's not so harmless as just self delusion. It is much worse than that because they can not begin to see through the eyes of love or compassion as Jesus did. Or Buddha did. Or Gandhi did. So they judge. Judge you, their friends, their family. Judgments based on their limited view of the bible and what's worse, their limited view of God.
Jesus said " he who has ears to hear, let him hear". Fundamentalists...Open your ears, open your eyes, open your heart, and move on spiritually.
Besides, statistics say you're wrong anyway.

That Much Time

I've noticed that ederly people drive very slow and I've decided that when I am old, I am going to drive really fast. I mean, you don't have that much time left!

Staff Meeting of Biblical Authors

Anon1- So who’s doing creation?
Anon2- I think it’s Bill…uhh or sorry Anon 3. I forgot we had to use anon.
Anon1- Well, I think we can just use numbers for now. Hey 3! So what do you have on creation this week?
3- Well, I kind of did this thing where God creates the whole thing in a week. 6 days actually. I figure if you make it 7 days, there will be all these nuts who don’t believe in a day off since God didn’t take one, so that would screw it up for all of us.
2- Why don’t you have him do it in 3 days? That way we can all end up with a 4 day weekend!
4- You can’t do that. I just finished a whole chapter on sloth and laziness. Make it 5 days.
3- It’s going to have to be 6 days because it’s 300 pages and I’m not going back through each page to take out 6 and scratch in 5. For cryin out loud.
5- I thought we were all supposed to be inspired by God to write this thing. I’m sitting here, looking out the window and it’s pouring rain. I’m not inspired. All I can think about is doing a story on a flood. Maybe where God gets pissed and tells this guy that he’s going to flood the world, so he better build a boat and collect some animals if he wants to survive. Where are those bagels by the way.
2- Noah went to get them. He’s gonna need an ark to get back.
5- Ark eh..? hmm.
1- Hey 8! I read some of this “revelations” stuff you did. You know, it’s real sci-fi Twilight Zone stuff, but I don’t get it. It’s like an acid trip.
8- Dude, it’s like the end of the world man. It’s not some walk around Disneyland. And it wasn’t acid. It was mushrooms.
1- Sigh…great. Inspired by mushrooms.
7- You know, I’ve been thinking. You know that stuff I wrote about the guy parting the red sea?
2- Yeah…that was some great work!
7- What if people believe it? I mean what if they take this stuff we’re writing literally?
1- No one is going to take this stuff literally. I mean come on, turning people into salt? Angels appearing to men and telling them what to do and shit?
3- Hey..never underestimate the power of normal people to believe in the strangest shit.
4- Well, we better put some kind of introduction telling people that this is inspired work, not meant to be taken literally.
1- Good idea. 5! Can you remember to do that?
5- (mumbling to himself) Noah…an ark…maybe he collect these animals, and two types of bagles…
1- 5!!! Can you do it??
5- Yeah..yeah..whatever.
1- Ok, let’s meet next week, and 8…stay off the mushrooms ok?
8-Sure mom.

The Sound of Silence

I would like to bring the readers attention at this time to some things that are never talked about. Some big, some small, but all with one thing in common...They go unspoken.

I remember when the "Bic" lighter had an adjustment for a larger (or smaller) flame. Now you have no options. It's a medium flame. Not too big, not too small. The current lighter isn't cheaper, in fact, they cost more than they used to with less features. The only thing that stayed the same with the Bic lighter is those God awful colors, and the fact that you will lose it long before it's empty. Don't speak of it.

We have allowed our fear over time to create a situation where we will not stop and help a troubled motorist. We will not answer our doors. We have done away with common courtesy and live in a world where selfishness is the norm. We are rude, talking on a cell phone while trying to buy something at the store. Waving desperately to the sales person, impatient that they don't know what you want, because you are too busy on your cell phone to tell them. Living in our own little world plugged in to our I-Pods so you can't hear anyone talk to you. You can't hear birds or the wind or the Ambulance right behind you. Why should you? It's all about you now, isn't it? But don't speak of it.

The Catholics have lost their Pope, so the Cardinals are all in a room deciding who the next Pope will be. (why it's up to a baseball team, we don't really know) One of the front runners is a Cardinal who is an ultra-conservative, who is preaching to sticking to the original beliefs of the centuries old religion. No women priests, no gays, and frankly, no room for any modern day enlightened thought. He believes that Catholics should not look at other religions for any deeper understanding. Just believe what they believed back in the good ole days of the bible. Remember those days? Those are the days when they believed it was wrong to grow two different crops together. The penalty was death, if you dared do so. The Catholic faith is becoming more fundamental as all the other religions are opening their eyes to spiritual growth in any way they can find it. This myopia is clear from every word that ever comes out of the Vatican. Catholics are in serious danger of just becoming a cult. But hey...Don't speak of it.

Our country voted George W. Bush for a second term. This was after he veered from his mission against the terrorists who flew planes into the twin towers, so he could invade Iraq. (By the way, those terrorists are still alive and well.) He claimed that Iraq was an eminent threat because they had these weapons of mass destruction. They didn't. This president got us billions of dollars in debt fighting an illegal war. A war that is still going on. This president is the same guy who alienated most of the known world, breaking all diplomatic ties, devaluing the dollar, virtually destroying the economy and created a fear based atmosphere that both allowed him to get re-elected and infringe on our rights all at the same time. This was just his first term. But don't speak of it.

I can understand not being able to do anything about the Catholic religion, or invading other countries for no good reason, or re-electing a president that has turned the world against us and brought us closer to the very brink of destruction. But we should definately move on this Bic thing.

Hello darkness my old friend.

In My Wallet

I have health insurance. It’s Kaiser in California. It’s pretty good, but you can’t do anything with your insurance without your Kaiser Card. I need to get a prescription filled. Nothing fun, just some medication. I looked in my wallet and could not find my Kaiser Card. Did I mention that you can’t do anything with your insurance without your Kaiser Card? So I tore apart my wallet. I completely emptied it. I lost my Kaiser Card, and as you know, you can’t do anything with your insurance without your Kaiser Card.

What I didn’t lose was…

A starbucks coffee card with 2 dollars and 15 cents left on it
A blockbuster card, which I haven’t used since Netflix. (2 years)
3 old, long since closed credit cards
my seafood watch card, which tells me what seafood is ethical to eat
a high school photo of my stepdaughter, which is the only thing worthwhile in my wallet
a key to something, although I know not what
some fuzz and something way in there that’s sticky

I’ve lost my Kaiser Card. You can’t do anything with your insurance without your Kaiser Card. Can someone please send me some Lisinopril?